Exhalations

• I'm pathologically incapable of reading a sentence under the control of an editor and not editing it. In fact, I'm doing it right now!
  


• I'm having one of those experiences where an action produces a repeatable but seemingly unrelated reaction, so remote as to seem impossible. It's like turning on the car radio and the muffler falls off. Try explaining that one to a mechanic. He'll say: "Hey, I'll bet you been to college, ain't you?"


• Lynn's Law of Losing Stuff: The surest way to lose something is to buy two of them so that you'll have one in case you lose one.


• Once my wife said she'd been to the doctor, where they gave her a shot in the butt that left a eucalyptus taste in her mouth. Hmmm. Gives a whole new meaning to the expression "tongue in cheek", doesn't it?"
  "Don't give me any of your tongue-in-cheek humor! I don't know where that tongue has been!"


• When I say something and you say something else, but neither one of us gets mad and calls the other one an apostate or a heretic even though the other one is clearly wrong — that's called being balanced.


• The other day I got an email message with this in the subject. Hmmm, I'm not sure, but does this look like a spam message to you?
  
  NOTIFICATION OF REQUEST FOR EXTREMELY URGENT CONFIDENTIAL ASSISTANCE


• It's not hard to tell where some people are coming from. They speak
  with a Windows accent.
  
  You have learned the sort of patient tolerance that only regular users of Microsoft operating systems and women with alcoholic husbands or sons on death row can ever truly understand. (I think that's a quote.)


• So I told my friend: "The world is divided into two classes
  of people: Those who get it and those who don't."
  
  He asked: "What do you mean by that?"
  
  I said: "That's what I mean."


• We just went on a long vacation. Those hula skirts on the Eskimo women were really cute. Or did I get on the wrong boat?